Where to start. So much is running through my head. Peter and I have talked about trying to have another child and about adoption a lot over the last 2 months. The first time we talked was awful. I had been thinking about it for a couple weeks and it came as a surprise to Peter. Not that he was against it, he has a lot of adoption in his family and has always been open to adopting himself, it was just bad timing. But since then we have gone back and forth with the thought of a biological child or an adopted child. We tried to get pregnant on Clomid, like we used with Keller, but my heart wasn't in it. It was so strange. Then a girl I work with announced she was pregnant. And then another girl I work with announced she was pregnant. I wasn't jealous at all. That was new.
Yesterday at work I was one of the nurses for a great couple having their second boy. Their boys were about 34 months apart, which is what Thomas and Keller are. There was a small part of me that wanted to experience that joy of birth and meeting our child for the first time. At the gym this morning there were 2 pregnant women doing cardio upstairs where I was. At first I got a little hurt in my stomach. I think what I want is that anticipation and excitement to share with friends. Adoption wouldn't be the same, but there would still be great anticipation and excitement between receiving the picture and actually going to get our new daughter. Not exactly the same, but it can still be a time of great joy as we share what we're doing with friends and post on Facebook our joys and progress, just like a couple expecting a biological child. It's silly I know.
The more I think about my age and the things that can happen during delivery and the birth defects or conditions that kids can be born with, I am concerned about having another one. We know neural tube defects run in my family. I feel like I don't want to push my luck. We have 2 beautiful healthy children, just b/c I want 4 doesn't mean I have to push my luck. After talking with a family member over the holidays about wanting so badly to be able to get pregnant and carry a child, I thought it would be such a blow to her if we got pregnant again. We were trying to get pregnant then, and I just felt like I couldn't imagine telling her that we were pregnant with our third child. The more I thought about her, the more I thought about all the children out there that need a home and family. Not that she should consider it. If I were not able to be pregnant in my life, I would always feel like I missed out on one, if not the, greatest experience possible. Just that there were parents yearning for children and children yearning for a family. I realized when talking to her that even though I wanted 4 children, there was no reason why they had to be our biological children. The feeling wouldn't leave me and it keeps getting stronger and stronger.
I look at adoption websites almost daily, just reading up on Rwanda and Uganda and the process and paperwork and timeline and expenses. I look at pictures and youtube videos of families with their newly adopted children and tears flow down my face. I can't get it off my mind and I don't want to. I want to talk to Peter about it all the time. I mention it to the kids, just to get an idea of what they think, even though they really couldn't understand the magnitued of it all. There are so many things to consider. But all I know is there is or will be a child out there that needs a loving Christian home. Anytime I've ever heard of a crisis or natural distaster happening, the first thing I think of is the children and wanting to bring them to a safe place. It's a lot to ask of Peter and the boys, and I wouldn't dare ask. Peter has to feel the call, like I think I do. It's so hard to know if it's a call or a strong personal desire. I want it to be God's plan, not mine. That's the only way it would work or be possible. Anyway, it has to be right for all of us.
So many thoughts. So much excitement, anticipation and questions. I look forward to seeing what happens.
